


The Morningstar Monster

by newficlander



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Family Feels, Idk what i'm doing, Recovery, Sabrina Spellman Needs A Hug, Self-Harm, Trauma, lilith is the third auntie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-25 14:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18576469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newficlander/pseuds/newficlander
Summary: So it’s been several months since the almost-apocalypse/end of times shindig, and life in Greendale was finally starting to return to normal…well as normal as a literal cursed town can get. Everyone was slipping back into a routine, but no-one seemed to notice that Sabrina wasn’t actually coping with everything as well as she let on. In fact, she was kind of falling apart racked with fear, guilt, and shame. She was fading into more of a shell of a girl than the powerful, feisty, passionate we all knew.After learning that the recently returned teacher, Mary Wardwell, has decided to leave greendale Sabrina is pushed past her breaking point. In desperation she reaches out to her former mentor through satanic prayer,  not really expecting that the Queen would listen. (I suck at summaries, and this is my first fic here so go easy on me pleaseee)TLDR Sabrina isn't coping well after everything that has happened, will anyone notice? Can Lilith and the aunties help her heal? Will she learn that she can always turn to her aunties?





	The Morningstar Monster

**Author's Note:**

> I am new to this and I am not really sure what I'm doing, but if you are up for a journey this might be one. I obviously do not own CAOS but my first name is Sabrina if that means anything! There are ABSOLUTELY mistakes in this, they're all mine. Hopefully, this will improve over time. Thanks for reading!

“I’m not sure if you actually listen to these things, I mean I know you already got what you wanted from me so there’s no logical reason for you to care about me anymore… I guess you didn’t really care before you were just following the Dark Lord’s orders,” Sabrina paused and held her breath waiting, though not really sure what she was holding on for. A sign maybe? Regardless, no such sign came and the teenager was forced to exhale

“Well, this was pointless,” she flopped onto her bed and with a tired sigh finally let her glamours fall. It has been a long day at Baxter High followed by lessons at the Academy and the platinum blond fiesta teenager witch was a frail and worn, merely a shell of who she was. The façade that she was hanging on to was becoming more difficult to maintain. She felt lost, desperate, empty, and alone. Everything she had ever know was essentially a lie. She was scared and didn’t know who she could trust anymore. She didn’t really know if she could even trust herself.

Sabrina no longer felt safe within her own body, she didn’t feel like she really knew who she was anymore. Was she a Spellman? A Morningstar? Was she now a witch/mortal/demoness? She was beginning to forget what it felt like to be okay, but how could she complain? How could she even an iota of pity for herself? She was a monster, a daughter of Satan himself. She was evil, it was at her core. She almost brought about the end of times. Nothing felt in her control anymore. Her family and friends had went through so much danger and trauma on her behalf. Now that they were safe, she couldn’t continue to burden them with how she was feeling now.

And then there was Nick. She was still so upset that he had deceived her, but there was an immense guilt consuming her each day he was trapped. The weight of her responsibility for everything that had happened was unbearable. Furthermore, her aunties..if she should even still call them that…had tried in their own way to be there for her, but every time she was near them all she could see was the chaos she had caused. Every time she had flashbacks to the knives the Dark Lord had held at their throats. Just the thought made her nauseous. She could not continue to burden them. They were rarely at home anymore anyway, Sabrina considered this to be a small blessing…at least they seemed to be moving on with their lives.

It actually seemed like in general life in Greendale was finally starting to return to normal…well as a literal cursed town could manage. Lilith had all but disappeared entirely, or so Sabrina thought. Hilda was back to work with her new obsession, Dr Cerberus, and Zelda had thrown herself into her new High Priestess role, essentially living at the Academy surrounded by the weird sisters…her self-proclaimed first disciples. Ambrose was off enjoying an escape from the chaos by travelling the world, she had only heard from him a couple times since he had left. Even Roz, Theo, and Harvey who were initially on board with Sabrina’s crusade to rescue Nick from Hell had tried for a while, but eventually life has to goes on. It was as though everyone in Greendale was adjusting to life post-almost apocalypse just fine, except Sabrina.

To make matters worse, right now the person that Sabrina missed the most was Mary Wardwell, _I mean Lilith!_ she corrected herself. She had been initially thankful that the newly crowned queen of Hell had returned her once beloved teacher, but so much had changed since then. She tried to avoid it, but Sabrina slowly ached for the loss of a mentor that she had grown increasingly dependent on. Today, her mourning had reached a peak when the real teacher shared news that she was leaving Greendale effective immediately for a Teaching position across the country. They hadn’t actually been close since the return, but the somehow the announcement had felt like a final push over the edge. As though she had been experiencing the stages of grief and until that moment Sabrina was stuck in denial. If this were true though, the teenager was not sure she could even muster the strength for the anger to come.

“If you require your followers to recite some formal bullshit saying to get your unholy attention I won’t do it,” she groaned trying to accentuate her sarcasm and strength, but it was near impossible when the cracks in her voice continued to betray her.

“Where are you? How could you just disappear after everything that has happened?” Ineffectively restrained tears were freely flowing now, Sabrina reached her satanic bible which had been resting on her bedside table and launched it at the bedroom mirror letting out a low, self-depreciating laugh as the glass shattered into pieces covering her bedroom floor.

“Did you actually ever care about us or was it all just an act?” She yelled into the empty bedroom. It was obvious that Lilith was other ignoring her or not listening at all. Sabrina still couldn’t bring herself to ask question that tormented her, the one her heart couldn’t bare to handle the answer to. She desperately wanted to know if the woman had ever actually cared about her.

She knew she didn’t deserve the attention of Lilith, or really anyone else at this point, but she couldn’t help but crave even small sign that the woman she used to run to with her problems still existed. That it wasn’t all manipulation. She loved and admired her aunties immensely, but she always felt at odds with them. Growing up without her mother, she longed for a maternal figure that she naturally connected with, who offered advice, stood by her, listened and always seemed to know what she needed to do. Her aunties did an incredible job raising her, but Lilith… or fake Mary Wardwell maybe, she didn’t really know… understood her. The loss of something she had longed for her whole life was crushing her. Logically she knew that Lilith’s presence in her life had been just another calculated step in the Dark Lord’s bidding, and that she should be grateful that the woman had been kind enough to return her former favourite teacher unscathed, and so she shouldn’t expect more. She should just try to forget about Mary Wardwell or Lilith or that persona, and move on, but she just could not.

Truthfully, the teenager felt like she _could not_  do much of anything lately. She was failing at being a friend, a student, a girlfriend, a niece, a daughter, a witch, a mortal. Hell, right now she felt as though she was failing at literally just existing.The longer she waited with a dissipating false hope and the longer the silence dragged on, the quicker she reminded herself of the multitude of her shame and guilt. Sabrina was spiralling, her breaths becoming shorter and shallower as the weight of her existence threatened to brew a powerful panic attack. Not wanting to face her emotions, she muttered a quick calming spell and buried them before they were able to get best of her. She would at least remain in control of this. Glancing at the clock, the teenager sighed as she realized it was nearing the witching hour. _Just another night my aunties forgot they had a teenage niece in their charge I suppose,_ she thought as she stood up to get ready for bed.

“Oh, Harold of Fucking Hell!” The blonde shrieked as tiny shards pierced the bottoms of her feet, she cursed her immature dramatics and idiocy for both smashing a mirror and then so quickly forgetting about it. Heart beating so loud it would wake the dead, Sabrina deliberately stood a moment longer after noticing the glass impaling her feet. It was something would never share this with another soul, but she took a moment to revel in the pain. She allowed herself to feel something and break the numbness but still remain in control. To exhale a small reprieve from the mess inside her, but only briefly before she removed any trace of the event.

_Control, stay in control,_ she repeatedly willed herself as she tried to swallow the bile rising in her throat powered by waves of nausea filled reminders that she was anything but in control. She knew she was just a pawn, pathetic and worthless until the next perverse game at the expense of everything and everyone she had ever cared about.

Lying back down Sabrina whispered a silencing spell over the room as she reached into her bedside table for a sleeping potion. Downing the vial she flicked off the lights and buried herself in the covers and closed her eyes, hoping to somehow get a break from it all.


End file.
